I realize I have not been making any progress or changes in my life, whether it is emotionally, spiritually or physically. I have always look at others who change suddenly in their clothing taste, social circle or interests in a less pleasant manner. I see them as those who have no identity of themselves, who try hard to fit in the cool gang, and thus carry zero element of originality within them. I discriminate against my friends indirectly. I have been so caught up with making sure I don't get the same discrimination from others by keeping to the old, boring self of mine since secondary school. I am afraid to break free from that self-imposed cage. Maybe I am just not mature enough. I am not mature enough to be in a relationship. I am not mature enough to reach out to others and adapt to new environments. I am scared to be the first one to talk in class, or in any social outings. I am scared of making myself looking silly to others.
Why can't I speak like a true shameless Malaysian in US? I am so caught up with speaking like an ABC wannabe, that my train of thought does not run smoothly as it used to. I fail to perform during interview sessions, people see me as a timid bespectacled asian girl that screams out - DULL.
Year 2011 is the year of maturity. I want to change for the better. I need to come out of my comfort zone, out of my house, out of my friends zone, and meet new people, make new friends and get involved in some fun. I need to end the silence and speak up in class. I want people to know about Malaysia. Not China. Not Vietnam. Malaysia.
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