Shalom!

A New Year. A New Start.

2011-01-02T10:37:00.000-08:00

I realize I have not been making any progress or changes in my life, whether it is emotionally, spiritually or physically. I have always look at others who change suddenly in their clothing taste, social circle or interests in a less pleasant manner. I see them as those who have no identity of themselves, who try hard to fit in the cool gang, and thus carry zero element of originality within them. I discriminate against my friends indirectly. I have been so caught up with making sure I don't get the same discrimination from others by keeping to the old, boring self of mine since secondary school. I am afraid to break free from that self-imposed cage. Maybe I am just not mature enough. I am not mature enough to be in a relationship. I am not mature enough to reach out to others and adapt to new environments. I am scared to be the first one to talk in class, or in any social outings. I am scared of making myself looking silly to others.

Why can't I speak like a true shameless Malaysian in US? I am so caught up with speaking like an ABC wannabe, that my train of thought does not run smoothly as it used to. I fail to perform during interview sessions, people see me as a timid bespectacled asian girl that screams out - DULL.

Year 2011 is the year of maturity. I want to change for the better. I need to come out of my comfort zone, out of my house, out of my friends zone, and meet new people, make new friends and get involved in some fun. I need to end the silence and speak up in class. I want people to know about Malaysia. Not China. Not Vietnam. Malaysia.

aloha!

2010-10-20T20:50:00.000-07:00

Back from dead. Hello bloggy.

Mia and Lily are back. We live together off-campus now. Things are pretty good.
Ended the trial run with him. He is a loser. period.
Joe has an Asian gf. Surprise? (not me la)
Quite worried about internship opportunities in the summer, and what happens next after graduation? sigh
I need a BF!!! (Although I feel comfortable being single atm.)
Going to Puerto Rico for thanksgiving! whoopee!
I have 2 midterms tmr, spanish & finance, great....what am I doing here? -__-''''
Vitiligo under control. Praise & Thanks to Lord Jesus!!! I have faith I will be completely healed.
Needs to save more & spend less.

2010-06-21T10:14:00.000-07:00

Spring 2010 has been an unforgettable ride, whether it was good or bad, I still have no answer to that. It is a time when I truly understand what innocence and naivety means. It is the period I traveled to San Francisco with only another guy. (Nothing happened/was supposed to happen) It is a very lonely time as I struggle to make new friends, and thus spent more time on the IBM laptop and the gym than anywhere else. I failed my exam-p. I had my first boyfriend, or maybe he should be discredited as my first bf. Things are complicated in such a way that at this moment, we are in a trial run relationship, and I have no idea how things will go when I come back in the fall. I feel like, maybe, with my type of personality that inclines towards the "comfortable to be alone" persona, I will probably not be able to sustain a relationship well. In fact, the bf has somewhat similar persona too as he is the only child in his family. I do think about how this relationship would work in the long run... will he fly over to be with me in Malaysia? will he click well with my family? or maybe, the nearer future,...will this relationship even last till the fall? or next spring? How are we going to let this be known naturally to others? How are we going to create memories together when he is really stingy, ok fine, Thrifty? I don't expect him to pamper me with presents, but I do want my BF being able to take me out for a simple dinner/lunch/movies/activities, rather than the library... What do I like about him? Is it because it is rare that a guy actually likes me? Is it because I just want to have my first BF? I used to find him attractive because he is a man of good faith, a guy that is awkwardly cute in his expressions, and the fact that he carries his nerdy water bottle everywhere he goes made he even cuter in a geeky sense. Lord, You know the way, please guide me, shower me with Your wisdom and vision, that I may gain maturity each day and carve out my path towards You. Whenever I see the chemistry between my brother and Amanda, I feel that we lack that level of communication, that level of mindset... Sigh...somehow, deep inside my heart, I feel contend that we are so far apart from each other, that the only way of communication is through MSN/FB, thus, I can avoid him sometimes and vice-versa. I need to search deep within me to know how I truly feel about him.

Heart broken

2010-03-01T21:00:00.000-08:00

Life has been a bed of roses. Oh how I wish I could say that....

Year 2010 at St. John's has started off with both of my closest friends, Mia and Lily being away in Taiwan and China(and then to Japan) for the entire spring semester. There was a moment, maybe due to my forlorn life and longing for a partner, I thought I had feelings for Joseph. Sigh, somehow, I am in this broken-hearted/depressed moment because of another guy. His name is JB. Sigh, how I wish I didn't confess my sudden feelings for him. It is from that meek confession, that I turned out to liking him even deeper! I have only myself to blame, for thinking too much and causing that desperate and silly act which I now regret. I thought he likes me too. Honestly, I thought it was easy to make him like me but I guess not.

The final straw is his "yo, im late, gtg sleep" sentence which is not even a sentence! Who writes that to a girl especially after knowing that this girl has feelings for you!? Maybe it is his way to say "I'm not interested". Then again, why did you even invite me to a wedding of your father's friend as your date, which I turned down because the invite was too sudden and casual, and he didn't pursue the topic further either... I guess you were just bored and do not want to look bad being the one without a date, huh? What a jackass!

I thought you were perfect since you are a God-loving person. You go to cell groups, play for the church, a nice guy and has never had a gf before which means you are not a casual person. Maybe not. I don't know anymore. You made me promise that I will not run away from you. See, it is that kind of request that confuses me! I want you to actually like me, miss me, and think about me. Not talk to me only when you are sad/bored and has no more homework to do!

I guess this spells the start of the healing of my broken heart. I want to move on. At the same time, I don't want to. The silly person inside me is hoping that things will change, and you will like me and we will hang out more. If you ask me to go out, I am not sure what the answer will be. I want to say no, just to let you have a taste of what I am enduring. I want to say yes, because this could be the chance we can really know each other and create something out of nothing. Sigh, JB, I can't take another "yo" from you.

2009-12-02T13:22:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving 2009 has been a very expensive celebration for me. I did enjoy myself in Boston with friends. However, the abnormal amount of money I spent on online shopping was beyond my expectations. Well, I did not have a budget limit for my expenses. Yet, I should have known better not to spend on unnecessary items.....let's just say that the total amount is roughly around the region of $700.

I think I am addicted to online shopping option... I ordered so often that the workers at the mailroom recognize me without checking my student id. Sigh, I have to compensate all these money spent with my working hours now...

In 20 days time, I will be back in Malaysia. Everytime before leaving, I have always been looking forward to one thing ........... DUMC. I don't know exactly why I have this particular nostalgic feeling to the church, even surpassing my looking forward towards seeing my family and friends. I simply can't wait for the Christmas worship celebration in church. I just can't wait.

i must stop spending and start saving money now. For thanksgiving 2010? =)

vitiligo battle

2009-11-16T18:37:00.000-08:00

It has struck me again, spreading its territory around my mouth without any mercy. It is now obvious, obvious to the glare and stare of others. I cannot stop biting my lips as a cover-up when I am facing someone or walking past anyone around campus. Lord, I am scared and all the bad memories are flooding back into my head again. I am adamant to not let that happen again. 2008 trauma has gone, and will NEVER come again. So, I need You, Lord. Be with me. Heal me completely. Destroy every bit of this vitiligo in my body. I have been taking meladinine and other vitamins daily. In addition, I am now applying protopic on the white spots too. Lord, please activate my skin cells and correct my immune system so that this vitiligo is defeated, once and for all.
I told my parents about the recurrence of it, and I know how anxious and worried they are now. I'm truly sorry, Lord, for being such a bad child, to allow them to worry again. Tears are welling around my eyes right now, as I am afraid, I really am. I pray to You, Lord, fervently now, that You will forgive me for my sins, and my past. Strengthen me in my faith in You, that I will listen and act in accordance to Your commands. So that, I can receive Your healing over this disease. I know Lord, about Your Almighty power, about Your grace and mercy, so, I beg You, Lord, to bless and heal me now, as You have done in the past to the blind, mute and deaf. Heal me now, Lord not because I deserve it, but because You love me so.

focus!

2009-10-06T17:14:00.000-07:00

Literature test tomorrow....got a B+ previously....while most people had at least an A- ..grrrr *darn*
King Lear and Pere Goriot are slaughtering my inner peace into pieces now.... I got to do better! *hmph*
Shakespeare and Balzac, beware! I'm gonna conquer your pieces this time! *fingers crossed*

Reflection

2009-09-29T10:43:00.000-07:00

Things have been a lil' dull recently. Been burying myself under stacks of homework, and still trying to find time (and money) to plan for possible fun things to do. My supposed first hiking adventure was canceled due to the forbidding weather forecast. *sigh* Now, I am wondering when will I ever go on a hike again ....that supposed first hike took me a LOT of consideration and time before I paid my fees. I begin to think it is a sign from God that UrbanEscape is not the one for me, maybe I should join Outdoor Bound trips instead. Whichever group it should be, the weather is getting chillier by the time I sign up for another hike.

It is amazing that I have been going to New Hope every Sunday without fail. I have always hesitated when Sunday evening arrives as I try to reason out why I should do anything but to go to Church. The lack of a company explains my reluctance, and so does the guilt I feel for not being able to rise to the expectation of those kind faces to be more involved. I have to thank Mia for being so insisting on me going to church. I feel so shameful that a non-Christian actually is pushing me to go church......

Another thing is the IVCF club------ No company and no guts = absence =(

Forget about the Richard thing. He likes Amber. Proof?

He went straight to her to be his dance partner.
She is pretty, and has really nice longgggg hair. aiyayayayayaya....what am i thinking??

He is a kid, for crying out loud! Somehow, i just don't see any junior or senior guys around.
My eyes aren't functioning properly.

Sigh, this is such a depressing post. On a happy note : everything ran well for Latin dance workshop(yes, this was the richard + amber + dance thingy). My timesheet got approved. I went to watch U2 concert, it was awesome albeit my seat was a lil' too far. (The journey home was hellish)

My resolution

2009-09-22T07:33:00.001-07:00

We have limits when we have goals to achieve.
In less than 2 months, I am hitting the 2-0. Not 3-0, mine you. THAT would be very, very scary.
Basically, I want to be able to tell myself that, I have done this, that, in my 20 years living on earth. I am really proud that I can dive now, seriously it is a show-off skill that one can tell anyone during some introduction game that always require one -- "Tell us something interesting about yourself" game.
I would really love to join the hiking group in NY, and be like one of those cool climbers with fit and healthy physiques. I really love outdoor sports. Since I was a kid, I always envisioned the moment I would be able to go for some outdoor trekking activities, just because I love the crushing sound of the leaves when we thread on them.
I want to go for more concerts and comedy shows in NY. Dude.... I will be a total idiot if I do not grab hold of this advantage of living in NY and not enjoy a New Yorker life after my 4 years here.
I want to help out at charities and be more active in IVCF/ New Hope or any church-affiliated activities. I promised that I will contribute my energy and my time to help the unfortunate in US before I left Malaysia last year. I want to fulfill my promise.
Like I said in the beginning, I have limits when I have set my goals. My limits is the time I have on earth. Will I be able to witness the rising of the sun tomorrow? (Not that I usually do anyway, since I -like most normal people, would be sound asleep) My point is -- I want to look back and know that I couldn't have led a better life. I want my funeral to be well-attended by my family and friends who really appreciate my loss. ....................I do have a huge ego problem, don't I?

A white crush

2009-09-22T07:07:00.000-07:00

Life is fragile, isn't it? No, I did not just experience something tragic personally, or did any of my friends have recently. I am talking about second chances we will never get in life. You did something, and you can never retract what you did/said. Life IS fragile.

I have a slight crush (this word has a purpose to be here, since I am a person with huge ego, and a tiny bit of feeling for someone would not hurt me so much if things do not work out, hence - "slight") on a white boy. He is 2 years younger than me, I know, I know, WHAT!? would be everyone's reaction.... We knew each other on the surface from our trip to Ellis Island. Anyway, I like him, not because of his interesting personality or whatsoever that one normally look for in another person, but merely because he is interested in Asian culture. My point is ---- I have succumb slowly into that pathetic state of desperation for a boyfriend, that now, anything will do to catch my eye. Obviously, being physically presentable would not be ignored all too easily.

We had breakfast today together. It wasn't planned. I went upstairs to have my breakfast, and there he was, sitting at the very first table near the staircase. Our eyes met, and without thinking ( i mean absolutely being absent-minded), I grabbed the chair next to him, and put my plate down on the table. No questions asked, no offers made, and the awkward breakfast convo began. He likes football, I like soccer. He likes Japan and I like Europe. He likes yogurt, I dislike yogurt. He is 18, I am 20. PERIOD. Clearly, this is the ultimate sign of the death of any romantic relationship we could possibly have. Well, let's just say that he ended up inviting another friend of his (nice Trini guy - Keegan) to join us at the table. Sigh, there goes another nail into my relationship coffin.

I wonder whether I would EVER have a boyfriend..... Anthoni was a really nice guy. I was a real bitch. To say that I do not care about appearances, that would be a huge lie. To say that toni is ugly, that would not be true either. However, I know myself all too well that I must be able to look at a person's face, and love him, love his stubble/pimples/ high forehead/ thick mustache/eyebrows and his character. He has to be the Man Utd of my life. Sometimes, I think that I ask too much. I mean, I am no hot chick, and I should know that I would have to meet the same kind of expectations by the male species. Sigh, Lord, please knock some senses into my head, and open my eyes to find that special someone beneath all the assholes and jerks lurking around New York.